A funny thing happened to me in the grocery store. Well really, it’s been happening to me everywhere I go. People keep telling me about hidden pains and injuries. Since my wrist is in a brace to allow my tendon to heal, I am visibly injured. When people ask and find out it will take more than six months to heal, they tell me about their struggles.
The cashier has pressure on the nerve in his ankle, someone at a party has a frozen shoulder, and someone else has constant knee pain. I feel like I’ve been admitted to a secret society. Very good-natured people are suffering yet I never would have guessed how they grapple with a long-term injury. Their acceptance of their pain and ability to make the best of it has helped me. I’m thankful for each story shared. Some are quite personal. All are matter-of-fact. They’re helping me accept life’s trials. I’m not alone.
I’ve been jotting down descriptions of myself as I’ve gone through this ordeal: disbelief, joking, frustration, depression, self-pity, irritation, slight progress, inspiration. The quick fixes didn’t work. The day the doctor sat me down and laid out the possibility of a year without full use of my arm, I also had an accident with a bus. At this darkest moment, the friends I thought would be by my side weren’t. But out of the blue someone from church called to ask about praying for me and another friend became terribly lost in my neighborhood and found me dejected while sitting on a curb. I wasn’t alone.
As we age, there’s a good chance things will only get worse physically. If you’re like me, you know you’re not cut out for it. I’ve been having too tough of a time. But with everyone’s help and encouragement, I think I’ll make it through. Most likely with those I least expect.
A few months ago, one of the founding members of our Human Services Advisory Commission suggested we suspend formal commission meetings while evaluating our mission and duties in Rockville. We all had to dig down deep and decide if we wanted to go forward. Questioning your existence is a good process for any organization to undertake, so I welcomed the opportunity.
My response to the Commission emphasized one of our most important tasks for the Mayor and Council — visiting the nonprofit organizations which receive grant funding from the City to determine if our City funds are being handled well for the benefit of Rockville residents.
Sunday’s Washington Post article “Staggering need, striking neglect” detailed their 10-month investigation into the system which squanders D.C.’s AIDS dollars. The Post reported 31% of the $80 million given to nonprofits went to troubled agencies while some needing help died alone. The Post chronicled the corruption, such as an agency head passing money through to organizations hiring family members and the use of ghost clients.
It’s difficult not to shake your head in despair over another example of large-scale mismanagement robbing the money for services. In the City of Rockville, we make sure our grants are properly managed and we do it using volunteers. Every three years, members of my Commission and City Staff visit the nonprofit sites, see the programs firsthand, and review the record keeping.
Volunteers make sure our City’s money is being spent correctly. I know DC is a much bigger City and the funding process is much more complicated but I’m glad to work with a group of people who make sure it doesn’t happen in my backyard. The process also helps us to become much more knowledgeable about the services available and the people who need them. This knowledge then helps us to advise the Mayor and Council on issues.
It’s good to know our work is worthwhile.
 News might be Fast but is it Dependable? Let's be Reasonable. When I was in eighth grade, my teacher said I was cynical. As an adult, I don’t think it’s such a bad quality.
In today’s age of constant, on-the-spot, media coverage by both professionals and every guy on the street, we are bombarded with “news”. The breaking headlines on CNN and Twitter capture people’s attention. I’m always shocked at how completely people believe the details and instantly empathize.
“Is this true?” is always the first question in my mind. I can’t stop myself.
A few years ago I spent two weekends in an Episcopal Church workshop exploring my “gifts”. When discernment topped the list, I was surprised. I’d never heard of it. As we researched the results, I scoffed at God putting people on earth to discern good from evil, identify “false prophets”, and protect his people. Could there really be a gift enabling you to determine if something is true or false?
My immediate reaction was that we don’t need this gift anymore. We have the Bible, right? It’s written. How on earth would this gift serve my church in this day and age? When was the last time you saw a golden calf being worshiped in your neighborhood? How ridiculous!
But then I started to think. I thought about a phone call I received from a parishioner would wanted to organize a blood drive at our church. Since I was outreach co-chair, he called me. I immediately had a terrible feeling while talking to him on the phone. Even though he had a well-thought out plan and had even considered the need for childcare during the blood drive, I was “against” him. It’s difficult to put it into words. Since this was church and we are supposed to love everyone, I felt awful. I couldn’t deal with speaking to him and handed the whole thing over to my co-chair. How guilty I felt for the reaction and my inability to accept this man.
A short time later an older woman in the parish recognized him as a child molester who had grown up in our church and served time in prison. He had just been released. Our parish had to deal with how to handle his presence and even met with the bishop about it. He could hear the word but we needed to protect people.
At the time I only fleetingly thought about my strong reaction to him. I didn’t give it much weight. Now I pay attention to these “reactions” to people and situations. I accept my nature to take a step back and not get carried away in new situations. Maybe I’m just made this way.
With all the constant interactions online, we need to force ourselves to take a cynical look at “news” and discern if it is true or false. I believe we all have this gift to observe and consider before reacting.
My fear is we will become so detached that we won’t care when we should. If we are unable to develop a personal system for determining if reports are false, we’ll ignore all reports. I hope we all have a good dose of discernment to keep us true.
Last week I spoke with elementary school students about homelessness. Every class I visit is always attentive for their “special guest” and our conversations can be an insightful treat. One second grade boy stopped me in my tracks when he asked “What would happen if there were no volunteers?” I find myself returning to his question every day.
When I first answered him, I spoke about the concrete tasks which occur each day. We wouldn’t have any meals to serve to the men at the shelter. We wouldn’t have career training and computer programs, special activities, or dental visits. Then I started to consider the hundreds of thousands of dollars raised by those who care and the subsequent lack of funding for our programs. By the end of the session we all agreed many people would be a lot worse off in their lives if people didn’t volunteer.
The question comes to me at a troublesome time in my life. Lately I spend large portions of my days fantasizing about my life without volunteering. I dream about what I would do if I selfishly didn’t lead my cub scout pack, volunteer at church, run events at my son’s school, and chair a city commission. I could work on my career aspirations and take time for my artwork while still having plenty of time for my family. My life would be all about me. But often the emails fill my box causing me to spend hours organizing and directing successful programs while my personal “to do” list lays unviewed.
At a pivotal point in my life, the boy has forced me to imagine every single part of our community without volunteers. I picture our church with only four paid staff and no one helping at worship services or doing youth service projects. I imagine my son’s teachers all alone in school without parents copying, making boards, and tutoring kids. How empty the halls would be without decorations and how much less the kids would learn. There would be no scouting. There would be no city commissions or programs at the senior center. The food drives and recreation programs would disappear. Our community landscape would be a dried up and barren filled with loneliness and suffering. No one would be living up to their full potential. This process has caused me to realize we all take volunteers for granted because it is impossible to fully picture a world without them.
Starting on October 25, 2009 ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox and several cable channels will air more than 90 shows with volunteerism written into the scripts. USA Today lists the programs participating in this i Participate campaign by the Entertainment Industry Foundation. Obviously all inspired by President and Mrs. Obama’s continuing emphasis on volunteering to serve, the initiative gives me some personal hope. If more people help, my burden will become more manageable. For the people who dodge their responsibilities or do the absolute minimum once per year, I hope they will be inspired to do more.
When we think about our lives and all the groups, activities, and programs which are important, we need to ask ourselves “What would happen if there were no volunteers?” If the program is meaningful to you, then you must bring your community to life.
 Rivers roar, split and combine repeatedly “Wait a minute,” the teenage student from Togo interjected, “You mean the United States had a civil war?”
I was in the middle of giving a tour of the Gettysburg battlefield to a group of teenagers on a week-long service project. Although we had talked about the tour, apparently the student had never learned about our Civil War. The death of more than 50,000 casualties in three days suddenly made him realize the United States had a bloody, terrible civil war like many of his African nations. To him the United States was always a peaceful democracy. When he heard my detailed description of the worst battle, he realized our current democracy was hard fought and not always perfect.
Sometimes I think we see the end product and don’t fully understand the process or history which was necessary for success. Most endeavors involve some bad decisions and great disagreements.
When you delve into a successful organization, you’ll find differences of opinion, conflicts of direction, and disgruntled staff or board members. Everyone doesn’t always agree. We make a mistake when we look at any well-run organization and assume it has always been on its present course. Most likely someone disagreed somewhere along the way.
When it’s happening to your organization, church, or group, don’t be discouraged. Participate in the process. In the end, either you’ll build a stronger organization or you’ll leave to pursue another endeavor. Change is inevitable. Embrace the conflict and move forward.
If you are thinking of starting an organization, acknowledge it might be a long and difficult journey until you have created your vision. Journeys are often filled with unrest and bad decisions, but this doesn’t mean the destination won’t be worth it.
Our friend’s father was meeting us at a vacation cabin. When he arrived early, he decided to sightsee and wound up lost. He called trying to find his way back to the rental house but he didn’t know where he was or what road he was on. All he kept repeating was “Just tell me what road I need to get on.”
My friend kept telling him “Look for a sign and tell us what road you are on.” Both finally gave up in frustration. We couldn’t tell him because we didn’t know where he was. Several turns might have been necessary to lead him back to a main road. The situation was impossible.
You need to know where you are before you can get where you’re going. This seems simple but we often can’t recognize the complexities. We see a destination — an end result — and want to arrive without taking our starting point into consideration.
Where are you?
I’ve been observing someone attempt to organize a new initiative. Lacking the skills to analyze where she is, she sends missives to everyone involved rather than the leaders who need to decide how to proceed. She makes new demands without acknowledging the change or justifying the request. She knows where she is told she must go, but doesn’t have the ability to understand where she is, who is involved, what the instructions need to be, and how to inform everyone. She’s lost.
In some cases, such as this one, I don’t think she even realizes she’s fumbling around. What can she do?
The most important thing is to stop and ask for directions. Find someone to help. When you are not receiving positive responses or the expected answers, realize you are not proceeding correctly.
Ask someone to explain why. Be open to hearing what you are doing wrong. This is the only way to improve.
Ask yourself if you are struggling or frustrated. Think about the reasons. Have you found yourself feeling this way on other projects? Is there anything you can do?
Keep in mind, we all have limitations. Sometimes you need to turn the wheel over to another driver and admit you can’t handle the situation. Learn from your failures.
My son was born with extensive food allergies which multiplied every time we fed him. In order to insure he was getting proper, balanced nutrients, I decided to restrict all our diets to the foods he could eat. One evening I served chunks of tofu on spaghetti. This was a low point of our culinary experience. My husband and I often refer to it. The meal became a turning point for the major change needed in our eating habits.
If I hadn’t insisted on experiencing what my son was facing for the rest of his life, I might not have realized how restrictive his diet was and done all the hard work to create new recipes.
Sometimes, in order to really serve someone, you have to live their life.
I don’t know how you can effectively lead a service organization unless you know what it really means to walk in the shoes of the people you are serving.
When I interviewed Montgomery County Councilmember Michael Knapp for an award video , he asked me to consider the difficulties of someone experiencing homelessness. They often have to keep appointments, get counseling, and work a job. They do all these things without a home. We often struggle through the same tasks in our busy lives with a home. Housing First strives to house people then provide services. With a stable living environment, they can finally pull their lives together. It seems simple but for years the philosophy has been to house people only after they completed certain requirements which was difficult to do when homeless.
Imagine having to decide between picking up food to feed your family or losing your wages. Our local food distribution center finally expanded their hours so people don’t have to choose anymore. Losing part of your salary to pick up food doesn’t help you stay ahead of your financial difficulties. People struggled for years to make their pick-up times during regular work hours. No one would want to be put in this situation, yet it occurred.
If you work for a service organization, you need empathy for the people you serve. You need to consider each moment of their days. If you can’t experience their lives, you need to be approachable and regularly talk at length to them about simple everyday tasks. Make sure the system’s not blocking their success and path to a better life.
Now when we put tofu on spaghetti, it’s marinated with peanut butter, soy sauce, honey, curry and scallions, a much better meal.
The first time I heard Joni Mitchell’s Good Friends , I loved the line “No blame for what we can and cannot feel”. I felt relief. The song allowed me to forgive myself for those sometimes inappropriate emotional responses to situations.
I hate them.
I fight them back. Do the right thing. Realize I have no right to feel the way I do, then see the situation from another perspective. My mind puts a stop to my emotions, usually at a pretty quick pace. We’d all like to think we’re perfect and never react with anger, jealousy, or hate, but we do. We may immediately stop ourselves or struggle for a while, but the emotions exist.
The people in our lives can help or hinder the process. Friends can support inappropriate reactions or help you work toward more balanced responses. People who surround themselves with others in a certain mindset tend to react in the same way.
This is why support groups often go off on crazy tangents.
When I was breast feeding, friends warned me away from La Leche League because they said they were extreme. I never went but should have. I did have some difficulties and could have used their help. Other people’s impressions stopped me.
A support group was extremely helpful when I had a child with extensive allergies to food, medicines and the environment. However, I disagree with the elimination of certain foods from public places such as the bins of peanuts in stores. I also don’t agree with hand wipes to every child after lunch because it is unnecessary, damaging to the environment, against best practices from the leading doctors, and a waste of money. I would attend and feel the need to speak against these advocacy efforts. I don’t enjoy conflict, so I stopped attending. My 12 years of experience is lost to all the newcomers who need to figure out how to survive each day.
Since like-minded people tend to stay together, formal groups often don’t recognize other people’s realities. They become very centered on their own concerns. This is helpful when first dealing with a new situation in your life but eventually, you are ready to progress.
Support groups need to support. When the group veers off to change the world, someone needs to take a step back and stop them. Other organizations can handle the protesting, letter writing, and campaign organizing. A support group needs to help people deal with the world on a daily basis and not change the world. Otherwise, the care and encouragement are lost in the midst of the protests.
What have your support group experiences been like?
When you go out for a birthday or anniversary, do you tell the establishment?
Last Friday was our anniversary and we decided to go to 1789. Situated in a Federal period house in Georgetown, the restaurant has been one of the premiere dining experiences in Washington DC the entire 20 years I’ve lived in the area. I’ve always wanted to go.
When you make a reservation with Open Table, you can put in a comment. So we noted we were celebrating our anniversary. The restaurant was spectacular about the occasion. When we walked in the door, the host and hostess welcomed us with a “Happy Anniversary!” then personalized menus wished us the same. When they brought our desserts, we had candles with little edible “Happy Anniversary” signs. They gave us a menu signed by Chef Giusti as a gift along with a card of well wishes. I was so pleasantly surprised with all the details.
After all the servers left, the couple next to us said it was their anniversary too. They were celebrating their 4th. The restaurant didn’t know.
We had acknowledged each other a couple of times but we were both engrossed in our own conversations. I wished they had been experiencing all the special little touches too. Our evening was magical and theirs was fine but could have been better.
Have you missed opportunities to share and make an experience better?
During a job interview a candidate seemed distant and distracted. We were uncertain but continued the process. After a follow up call, the candidate admitted she had been on the way to a funeral for a woman who had been like a mother to her, but wanted to keep her job interview. If she had shared this information at the time, the situation would have been better for everyone.
Whether or not to share the full-story of a situation can be a tough decision. Sometimes, as with our anniversary, we were in such high spirits about the occasion, it was difficult to keep it to ourselves. But even in a difficult situations, it’s worth taking a chance to trust and share.
 I started chanting “Fiber Friends Unite” with my friend Rita this morning and it had nothing to do with FIOS. Back in June my arm was injured and even with a cast and lots of rest, it still hurts. We started to joke that I should be able to tell the microscopic parts of my tendon to grow back into place in the same way I organize everything else.
However, my leadership skills do me no good with this troublesome arm. None of my well-thought out plans of action work in this situation. My body has a mind of its own, or does it?
Another friend, Janet, posted a link to an article on the necessity of believing you will heal, but I have serious doubts about my healing. Can I use my mind and believe my arm back to healing? Can I picture myself back on the motorcycle and punching the bag? Will it help?
I’m beginning to suspect I can’t plan my way out of this one. I’m going to need something more, faith in healing and a positive outcome. Truthfully, I haven’t had the necessary faith this summer as I spend my time trying to keep up with only one fully-functioning arm. I know it and need to change.
Have you ever improved your health by changing your mindset?
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About BNeg and Cynthia Cotte Griffiths Along the way I've discovered a love for blogging. First for my local community with RockvilleCentral.com then almost immediately with TryingNotToBNeg.com
I work with organizations and businesses to improve communications and events then spend my free time volunteering to make lives better as a community.
Please share your thoughts here. It always means a lot to me!
Drop me a line:
Cindy@CynthiaCotteGriffiths.com
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