The build up to the holidays can be stressful without any extraneous situations. With all my might I tried not to be negative during the week before Christmas, but many forces conspired against me.

I hate them.

I fight them back. Do the right thing. Realize I have no right to feel the [...]]]> The first time I heard Joni Mitchell’s Good Friends , I loved the line “No blame for what we can and cannot feel”.  I felt relief. The song allowed me to forgive myself for those sometimes inappropriate emotional responses to situations.

I hate them.

I fight them back. Do the right thing. Realize I have no right to feel the way I do, then see the situation from another perspective. My mind puts a stop to my emotions, usually at a pretty quick pace. We’d all like to think we’re perfect and never react with anger, jealousy, or hate, but we do. We may immediately stop ourselves or struggle for a while, but the emotions exist.

The people in our lives can help or hinder the process. Friends can support inappropriate reactions or help you work toward more balanced responses. People who surround themselves with others in a certain mindset tend to react in the same way.

This is why support groups often go off on crazy tangents.

When I was breast feeding, friends warned me away from La Leche League because they said they were extreme. I never went but should have. I did have some difficulties and could have used their help. Other people’s impressions stopped me.

A support group was extremely helpful when I had a child with extensive allergies to food, medicines and the environment. However, I disagree with the elimination of certain foods from public places such as the bins of peanuts in stores. I also don’t agree with hand wipes to every child after lunch because it is unnecessary, damaging to the environment, against best practices from the leading doctors, and a waste of money. I would attend and feel the need to speak against these advocacy efforts. I don’t enjoy conflict, so I stopped attending. My 12 years of experience is lost to all the newcomers who need to figure out how to survive each day.

Since like-minded people tend to stay together, formal groups often don’t recognize other people’s realities. They become very centered on their own concerns. This is helpful when first dealing with a new situation in your life but eventually, you are ready to progress.

Support groups need to support. When the group veers off to change the world, someone needs to take a step back and stop them. Other organizations can handle the protesting, letter writing, and campaign organizing. A support group needs to help people deal with the world on a daily basis and not change the world. Otherwise, the care and encouragement are lost in the midst of the protests.

What have your support group experiences been like?

When a friend announced my husband and I would be attending her party, another guest recognized his name. Thirty years ago her employer, a local bank, had received an unsolicited complimentary letter about her customer service. My husband, at age sixteen, had taken the time to pen that letter. All these years later, she has [...]]]>

When a friend announced my husband and I would be attending her party, another guest recognized his name. Thirty years ago her employer, a local bank, had received an unsolicited complimentary letter about her customer service. My husband, at age sixteen, had taken the time to pen that letter. All these years later, she has never forgotten his name.

My husband doesn’t remember writing the letter. To him it was nothing, a quick “thank you” to someone along the way. But obviously it meant a great deal to this teller.

When we met her this weekend while visiting my husband’s hometown, she was delighted to tell the story. At the time she was beginning her career. The letter made a great first impression. She joked that the bank never fired her. In all her years, no one else had taken the time to compliment her work in writing. His words have always been important to her.

We all know most people are quick to complain about service and don’t take the time to praise. We also know you can never tell how far reaching an act of kindness will be or how much of a lasting, positive impression you can make on someone’s life. What a gift to hear this story. Knowing makes all the difference.

People at the party marveled at a sixteen-year-old who would take the time to praise someone. They thought it took a very special person to be so giving and aware at a young age. I can’t agree more.

Our local community blog, RockvilleCentral.com, could easily become a place for quick and easy complaints. As Editor, I didn’t want a bad review of a restaurant to be posted. I prefer our contributors to write about the places they recommend to their friends. Now the blog policy means even more to me. I like knowing I’m encouraging people to take the time to make someone’s day.

So, act like a very special sixteen-year-old and acknowledge good service when you find it. Share the best in life.

I’m not by any means a public figure in my city but because of a [...]]]> Friends keep asking social etiquette questions about Facebook. For the most part, the interactions are unchartered. Although I advise the same good common sense as in real life, I’m now struggling with my own situation and how it will spill over.

I’m not by any means a public figure in my city but because of a local community blog, people know me. A city staff member once wrote, “We haven’t met (and I’d like to remedy that) but I am ______________; and I am in need a of a great big favor.” So we corresponded and I tried to help.

A short time later her city email showed up on my friend finder in Facebook and she accepted my offer of friendship. As I like to make personal contact with all my new friends, I wrote on her wall, etc.

But she has unfriended me. I find myself wondering why. She could have just blocked me from seeing her status updates.

Gosh this whole Facebook thing is getting complicated.

I’m sure the college kids are way past this. Truthfully, I don’t care. To me it’s a friendship lost. I liked her status updates and thought she was fun and wild like me.

But this is the communications person for my city. Since I blog about our city, I’ll have to interact with her in the future. What do I do?

1.) Directly send a message on Facebook and ask why? Did I do something wrong?
2.) Ask her why when I see her in person?
3.) Pretend nothing happened both in emails and in person?

Yes, we weren’t really friends, but I was hoping to get to know her better. Yes, I understand it is more of a professional relationship with me and you don’t want your crazy everyday observations to go public. Today she has 195 friends, not many by a younger person’s standards, but obviously more than just a close circle. Plus, she has kept my fellow community blogger as a friend as well as other city staff, so it’s just me kicked off the list.

It’s just Facebook right so I have to ignore it? I guess I will.

At the end the coach called the team together. There must be more than 80 kids from 1st [...]]]> Yesterday my boys went to their first practice for the track team. My oldest ran up a steep hill three times with ease. The younger one kept smiling and running with enthusiasm. I was proud of their dedication.

At the end the coach called the team together. There must be more than 80 kids from 1st grade through middle school. He asked them to form a big circle and face in one direction. At first I didn’t notice my two boys in the middle with their backs to me. I was chatting and joking with a fellow parent. We both noticed them at the same time. As I don’t sugarcoat anything about my kids, I blurted out, “Oh my gosh, look at my kids!” We laughed. I tried to decide if I should go across the field and into the giant circle and make them stand like everyone else. They were listening to the coach. If I went out there, I would draw attention to them and create a scene.

How can you not notice when everyone else is doing something? As kids we’ve all stood in a circle for games. You feel the energy surrounding you. Everyone is looking at you. How could you possibly not notice?

When we came home I asked them about it. At first it was crowded so they stayed toward the front and everyone else must have moved. That was it.

Have you ever noticed other people oblivious to a situation?

I was tempted to give examples like someone eating while everyone else at the table waits to be served or someone talking on a cell phone in a quiet room, but this is not rudeness. It’s something else.

When my father was dying, the complications from his diabetes worsened over a couple of years. As I describe the situation, you know he is close to death. He was blind. His kidneys had failed and dialysis wasn’t working. Gigantic calcium deposits the size of baseballs were all over his body. He was missing parts of his fingers and toes to gangrene. Doctors came in to examine him because they had never seen someone so far along. Each of these conditions was a small battle. They developed over years and he survived each one. He would get through.

His sister is squeamish and came to the hospital. I changed his socks as a matter of course. She ran out of the room. Down at the end of the hall she cried and told me I had to know he was dying. I didn’t know, not really. There had been so many hospital visits and he was only 50 and I just kept taking care of him. It took someone to tell me directly before I saw it.

The bar moves slightly and you adjust. This continues to happen and you don’t realize how much things have changed. My boys made an adjustment to where they were standing and never realized the true situation. We all just keep plowing forward in life. It’s easy to say we should take stock of our situations and notice if things are different, but there’s no guarantee we will. That’s why we need other people to understand and help us join the circle.

The [...]]]> This morning I was waiting for our PTA President to finish talking with the mother who is chairing a school activity. I would step outside then back in again while waiting to wave to my son’s class before school started. So I overheard parts of the conversation and was REALLY glad I wasn’t having it!

The PTA President is a warm and caring woman who I consider a friend. She grew up in Puerto Rico and reminds me of a girl from my childhood. When I was in grammar school Addie would exert a great deal of time trying to get me to look better. She was very open and honest and pulled you right in. By the way, it never worked. I was hopeless and just didn’t care about what I looked like.

So here is our volunteer President who is a very special, caring person and she’s being told in a forceful voice that if this Chair doesn’t get exactly what she wants, somebody else can chair the event next time.

I was reminded of the kids yelling at each other “If you don’t do it, I won’t be your friend anymore!” We try to teach the kids that they shouldn’t threaten this and now a parent is doing it!

We all get caught up in our projects and work. Her overreaction indicates just how dedicated she is to this project. The President continued to talk to her and explain and look for a way to make the situation better. We all know I admire talking to stop negativity.

After the Chair left, the President wanted to know if the proper word was “threaten”. Was that a threat? Yes it was! This issue is far from over and no doubt will take up some official meeting time.

As a volunteer, you don’t need people threatening you. You need team players with positive attitudes. It’s this type of situation that gives PTAs a bad reputation! Please take a step back before lashing out at a fellow volunteer.

The hostess came in the kitchen [...]]]> At a Christmas party last year, I was talking to someone I had just met in the kitchen. He had lived in our City his whole life and worked for the same company for over 20 years. Hearing first hand accounts of the olden days is something I enjoy immensely.

The hostess came in the kitchen and warned, “Oh, be careful talking to her. It will all seem good and you will be happy and she’ll talk you into doing something and you won’t even know it.” He won’t even know it? Apparently when I talk to people we share ideas and you leave excited to take some action. I will have tricked you into doing something you think you want to do.

(Now I’ll confess, I had just suggested that he and his wife attend an event I was planning. She was right.)

For over two months I have been thinking about this comment and how I interact with people. I don’t think I am pushy, but I get excited talking to people. I love talking to folks and finding common ground or new perspectives. I’m not judgemental and actually seek out different opinions. My goal is to always understand where someone is coming from and why they are acting or speaking as they do. I accept people for who they are.

So what does this mean in daily life? Do I inspire people to do things for the common good? The world is full of books and theories about how people should interact, how we can engage them, and what it will take. What does it take?

My experience always results in the same answer – personal contact. Reaching out to someone and talking works. In the conversation you can find agreement and a course of action.

Take for example the day I voted. I knew the person in front of me but had not seen her in almost five years. We recognized each other but didn’t remember names. Of course we did not admit we didn’t remember names but we didn’t.

She and her husband were making comments about the line to vote which wasn’t that long but usually there is no line at our voting place. There was some griping. I had to break up my sons who were arguing while we waited on this line I didn’t expect.

I could have just thought, “How terrible she is complaining.” but I didn’t. I asked where her kids were. They’re in private school so they had school that day. I explained that they really needed Election Judges to work the polls. They were short on volunteers. This is why there is a line and for the general election it will be longer. I always want to be a judge but can’t because I have no one to watch my kids who go to public school. They don’t have school on election days because we use the buildings to vote.

She said she could be a judge because she realized her kids would be in school for the next election. She laughed and it was so cool to see someone think about being part of the solution.

Personal contact is the way to motivate people to improve a situation. Judging people and complaining about them will not help. Although I have been worried about the impression I make on others, I don’t believe I’m wrong to help people see a different way and challenge their perspectives as I try not to bneg.