 Watch out when the stress blows in A few months ago I started to feel sick at work with a headache. Convinced I was catching my son’s cold, I decided to go out for a run anyway. Miraculously, I felt better.
On a few other occasions this winter I’ve felt terrible. Convinced I’d be sick in bed within hours, I dragged myself out for my late-night kickboxing class then recovered. I’ve been telling everyone how my exercise must be boosting my immune system because I never wind up getting sick.
With the blizzards, I couldn’t travel to the gym. For six days my stomach was upset. I enjoyed my time with my family while trying to keep the ball rolling for a major fundraiser. With Washington DC snowed in for a full week, the hours were dwindling before the big event. Even though I had been ill for several days, I forced myself to an early-morning kickboxing class as soon as the roads were clear. When I came home I started to research my symptoms in fear of cancer. A short time later I was completely better.
When I was reading the medical book, the first cause of my symptoms was typed in bold letters: stress.
I had spent a week feeling sick because of stress. I still can’t believe I didn’t recognize it. My suffering had me worrying about a major disease. With my conscious effort to stay healthy, I can’t believe I didn’t know what was happening to me.
The realization that I was suffering from stress every time I thought I was sick floored me.
When I interviewed for my nonprofit job, I was asked how I handle stress. Fundraising under tight schedules with part-time hours and a strong desire to succeed is recognized for the stress it creates. Yoga and running on a daily basis had been a strong foundation to staying healthy but with work taking up additional hours, late-night kickboxing had to be added. Apparently, I can’t live without all these stress reducers.
But not all stress is bad. The American Institute of Stress describes it this way:
Increased stress increases productivity – up to a point, after which things rapidly deteriorate, and that level also differs for each of us. It’s much like the stress or tension on a violin string. Not enough produces a dull raspy sound and too much an irritating screech or snaps the string – but just the correct degree of stress creates a beautiful tone.
There are many signs of stress. HelpGuide.org lists the physical ones as aches and pains, diarrhea or constipation, nausea, dizziness, and loss of sex drive. Keep a look out for these in your daily life.
Without intervention, my situation is making me physically ill. With this awareness, I need to make sure I find the ways to keep a good balance and stay healthy. Hopefully the weather or injuries won’t prevent me again.
I’m feeling a need to run right now.
 The kid's bathroom with part of my swamp mural visible.
When the first snow storm hit the Washington DC area, I realized we would be snowed in without school, work or meetings for an entire week. I immediately started to think of ways to put the situation to good use. We could finally justify the time to do the things around the house we’ve been wishing we had the time to do. After all, we were stuck in the house.
Being snowbound would allow us to complete tasks on the “To Do” lists we always keep running in our minds.
Last summer we cleaned out most of the closets in our house. Subsequently my husband gave me a shoe storage system which needed to be assembled. Mission accomplished. Now we both love the organization in our walk-in closet.
My husband has been busy painting the floor of the basement with a special paint which blocks the radon from entering the house. When we purchased the house a pump system was installed but this is an extra barrier. He also finished assembling shelves and organizing everything so we can start to finish the basement.
I changed the toilet seat in the boy’s bathroom then re-chalked both of the upstairs bathrooms.
If we didn’t have to shovel so much snow until exhaustion, we could have done more.
The storms were a gift of time. A gift to work on all those projects before all the spring activities and sports take up our free time.
Since some of my time was put to good use, I don’t regret any of the fun time we spent together during the blizzard of 2010.
My entire work career has been spent in nonprofit organizations. Every one of my workplaces has had women in the majority functioning as team with complete collaboration. Titles never mattered. No one ever tried to take credit for group efforts. It has always been about the results.
Last week Third Sector Connector had a wonderful list, 17 Hallmarks of Community Change Agents. A few jumped off the screen:
- They value team, and they have an understanding that attracting, retaining, and supporting a strong team is essential to delivering high quality services.
- Rather than building silos and rigidly adhering to job descriptions, they encourage ad-hoc teams, cross-training and shared responsibility.
- They encourage, value and provide professional development, mentoring and coaching.
You may notice a common thread. The teamwork is blurred. Roles shift and change. People are appreciated. Everyone offers their best because no one is taking credit or calling the work their own. Success stems from a group effort by qualified and valued members.
Over the years, my leadership style has always been based on such impassioned teams. Accomplishments are always paramount to the role I play.
A quote by Harry S. Truman has resonated with me and reminded me of what’s important:
You can accomplish anything in life provided that you do not mind who gets the credit.
It’s so true. This has always been my way of life. For me it is never about the “glory”. I want to improve the lives around me by leading and growing community for the common good. I don’t believe in saying “I”, it’s always “We”. It’s actually painful for me when I can’t bring people together and I have to watch endeavors wither.
So I’m pleased to be reminded of how real, positive change can be attained.
For a year, I’ve been taking private kickboxing lessons with a group of middle-aged people who all admit to being out-of-shape. Recently our private lessons ended and we had to try the regularly scheduled classes at LA Boxing. I was apprehensive.
While wrapping up my hands before my first class, I heard one young woman say she was going to be 21 and her friend exclaimed she would be 23. I glanced behind me to see who they were. I realized my apprehension had a lot to do with my age.
Sometimes when I walk into this boxing gym I notice the other women look at me. In other gyms they might simply be noticing a fellow hamster in the wheel. But in the boxing setting, I have the distinct impression they’re sizing up the competition.
In the latest LA Boxing promotional video, friends won’t fight the guy in the LA Boxing t-shirt for the remote. He has a reputation. These instances always make me wonder if it’s right for me.
So what am I doing kickboxing anyway?
 Marlow and Barbara fighting Recently The Washington Post ran an article, Blood Sisters: Through boxing, two suburban women build a special bond in the ring. People asked me about the article. They wanted to know what I thought about fighting.
I’ve actually seen these women fight. They stood there and beat each other. They didn’t move. They didn’t block. They hit each other relentlessly. Word was, they were friends.
The article emphasizes their friendship but also the violence:
What’s a best friend if she can’t break your nose or bloody your face?
And in the 2 ½ years that Barbara Bartolomeo and Marlow Prado-Blankenship have been boxing together, they have blackened each other’s eyes, split lips and cracked nose. Later they giggle, displaying their wounds to friends who stare in disbelief, unsure how to respond. After all, what woman in their mid-40’s with husbands and children and sprawling, suburban homes in the Montgomery County community of Boyds beat each other for fun?
I started down the kickboxing path to get into shape and I’m certainly much more fit. In that first class I couldn’t help but notice I had more stamina than the two younger women.
Being able to protect myself is certainly another benefit. This week a few guys were on the bags around me. I decided to pound out a few kicks to warm up. After my first “thump” they all whipped around to see who had delivered the blow. The confidence to know you can defend yourself is reassuring.
In the Post article, the women said they box to escape. The hard-hitting energy is a release. On more than one occasion, beating the bag has helped vent my frustrations. A friend mentioned having a bad day and feeling like kicking something. I know where you have perfectly legitimate excuse to do so.
One time we were sparring without gear which means you aren’t supposed to hit each other. My friend and I both accidently socked each other in the face at the same exact moment. The competition and aggression can easily get the best of you. I glanced at the clock to see how long my face would sting then experienced a solid ten minutes of pain. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to hurt someone or be hurt.
Every week I ache. I’m bruised. Most of the time I can’t lift my arms or legs. But I keep going back. I’m not fighting someone. It’s between me and the 150-lb. bag. I still worry about the perception of being a fighter.
When I was interviewing clients about their journey from homelessness to housing, one woman kept saying “I’m a fighter.” She had suffered from terrible depression and wound up on the streets hopeless, but she found strength and fought back. She was a fighter.
That’s the only kind of fighter I want to be.
 Bending the truth When I was a child and I exaggerated a story, I remember my father calling me on it. “Did that really happen?” “Are you “telling stories”? It was code for lying because at some point, if you are telling a story and the facts aren’t true, you are lying. Storytelling has a bad connotation.
Lately I see a lot of storytelling. As people market on social media, the truth becomes distorted. People want to blog with a good hook. But reality might not be that interesting, so the writer brings out the spices. If you know the person, you might be disappointed.
Of course this has always been true in advertising. My favorite example comes from The Christmas Story when Ralph goes to such great lengths to obtain a decoder ring from Little Orphan Annie only to find out the secret code is an advertisement. His disapproval is obvious and we all know we’ve learned the same lesson. My sons have learned the hard way with dreamy toy advertisements which turn out to be nothing. Over the years I’ve warned them never to never believe advertising claims until they can be checked. This is why social media has grown. We want to benefit from other people’s experiences.
But can we trust everyone?
If you know someone closely or have been involved with a situation in a blog post, you might realize it isn’t quite true. The post might be an exaggeration when you know the true story. When you discover inconsistencies, you never really trust the writer again. If you find yourself thinking “That sounds good”, you immediately remember it’s probably storytelling and discard it as false.
I strive for authenticity in my writing. I’m not out to brand myself. I have nothing to sell, no image to propagate. When I communicate, I strive not to tell stories. I want to be trusted.
When you are reading a blog post, marketing materials, or even a status update, you need to be aware of the writer’s history and motivation. If it sounds too good to be true, most likely it isn’t.
We all need to keep our eye on the truth – and stop storytelling - if we are to be truly successful.
Fifteen years ago I planted these trees with the youth in the AmeriCorps program I administered. We spent the day working side-by-side with a group of mentally-disabled adults. For years I’ve wondered about the trees whenever I passed by the area. This week, in need of sustenance, I searched for their location.
Perhaps I needed to physically see a result, to see time pass and circumstances change. We planted them a long time ago, but my years with the AmeriCorps program provide some of my fondest work memories. I loved working with the youth and helping people all over Montgomery County.
I wondered how much growth to expect in 15 years. This is about what I pictured. The area was a little grass field when we visited, dug, planted and shared lunch together. The trees are so solid today, beyond my reach.
Maybe I just needed to physically see results. When I changed jobs from a national environmental policy organization to a local nonprofit developer, I realized I preferred to be able to physically touch accomplishments. Walking through apartments was so much more fulfilling than reading about a report sent to the Hill. Perhaps I’m all about action and not policy.
Lately I’ve been thinking about the next phase in my life. My husband laughs at me because I keep saying, “This is it. Whatever I decide to do next might be the last thing I get to do before retirement.” Apparently he doesn’t think I’m old enough to be worrying about this quite yet. He’s probably right, but as I inch closer to 50 next week, I’m feeling the time running out.
In 15 years I’d like to think I will have grown whatever I decide to plant right now to be big and strong. I want to see mature trees.
 It doesn't have to be all uphill. The build up to the holidays can be stressful without any extraneous situations. With all my might I tried not to be negative during the week before Christmas, but many forces conspired against me.
- One morning I woke to a flat tire which took the better part of a day for my husband and sons to replace. Two days later the car died in a parking garage. After years of high repair bills, the car and its brand new tires needed to go.
- The DC blizzard brought 20 inches of snow and cancelled school the week before winter break. Mounds formed at the foot of the sledding hill causing my younger son to go airborne and break his collarbone. The week before Christmas was filled with doctor and x-ray appointments.
- My husband and I decided to meet our volunteer commitment for church by directing the Christmas Eve Nativity Pageant. An hour before the service, the kids were receiving their costumes and hadn’t had a rehearsal due to the blizzard.
- The FedEx driver could not find our house and continued to return my older son’s present (his only present) to the distribution center even when the directions were written on the box. As a full week’s time for delivery dwindled down to a few hours, a happy Christmas seemed lost.
- My mother’s beau was having heart pains and she took him to the hospital which resulted in Christmas Eve surgery for five clogged arteries. Everyone worried.
Truth is, the week wasn’t as emotional as it might sound. It was deliberate. Each day required energy and resolve but I discovered some noteworthy lessons.
A bad situation could lead to a dream. As a practical person, I’ve never had a dream car but I’m unexpectedly looking at sports cars. In the first showroom we made a beeline for the Mustang. The salesman took one look at our family and told me everyone else was buying the hybrid SUV. I’m not giving in! I prefer to zip around town in a car, and it’s going to be black and sleek.
Doctors still care and go out of their way for patients. A specialist agreed to see my son’s collarbone before his office opened on Christmas Eve. Lately the health care arguments fill the news and the broader issues tend to overshadow our daily lives. This act of kindness reminded me of how lucky we are to have excellent doctors. Our system needs to insure every person has the same.
The Spirit is more powerful than planning and practice. The kids in the pageant were perfect since they were perfectly themselves. The angels twirled and danced like never before because it came from their hearts. Every child participated in their own special way and the story was told without our interference as only kids could do.
Sometimes you need to go beyond your comfort level to be more persistent with a company when your circumstances do not fit the typical system. FedEx Customer Service took notice but only after many calls. Eventually everyone realized a driver should be able to find a house, even if the location is tricky, so we were given the manager’s cell phone number. The FedEx driver called my husband’s cell phone as we crouched down in front of the pews motioning to the kids in the pageant. Christmas was merry at the very last minute.
Even a serious illness might bring wonderful life changes. My mother’s beau pulled through and although still recovering on Christmas Day, he asked my mother to marry him. After four years together, he had realized what was most important to him in life.
The week before the holidays I continually reminded myself not to be negative and was rewarded for my faith by all of these positive outcomes.
May the New Year bring you all the best in life as you are Trying Not To BNeg.
Twenty-five years ago when faced with a 30-page paper on my management style, I quit graduate school. All these years later, I know how I manage and could whip it out in short time.
Over the weekend, I read Are you casting a shadow? by Anna Farmery at The Engaging Brand. Her leadership tip was against micro managing but it’s a proven method for great team accomplishments. She wrote:
So why do we look for talent and then watch every move they make…we are just casting a shadow and blocking out the light that will help them develop. Plant the ideas then stand back to let them grow. You will see or hear when they need watering and feeding.
You have to like and trust people to implement this management style. To let someone have control of an effort which you deem important is difficult. Quite frankly, I only realized it when I became burnt out when running an organization. I wanted other people to help. My tendency has always been to do things my own way. But I couldn’t do it anymore and let go, which created amazing results.
Now I’m a convert.
In my Cub Scout Pack, my team of leaders brainstorm at meetings and then flood our inboxes with ideas. They’ve been planning the best activities we have ever offered with enthusiasm, fun and … even a pirate costume.
I keep saying that I need to get out of the way and I do. However, as a manager you need to know when to “water and feed”.
- I step in when we have already tried something and it failed. Sometimes you need to pass on your experiences. However, I always frame the difficulties in such a way as to invite solutions. Even though a method has failed doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed and improved.
- When there are different viewpoints and suggestions, the leader needs to step in and make the decision to set the course. A leader has to have a sense as to what will work best and a solid ability to articulate the decision.
- Of course the leader steps in when no one else is actually getting the job done to provide the needed direction and instruction.
But for the most part, I just let them run with it all.
Are there other times to water and feed?
Last weekend a friend wrote that she wanted to find grant funding for her photo documentary. Since we were fooling around with the Google Wave, I could easily research sites for her and post the links into our live chat. I gave her an assignment. She had to get this cutting-edge project funded.
Many artists and photographers pay the rent with clerical jobs while pursuing their passions. My friend is no different. However she had been laid off. This was the perfect time to find funding for her photography.
On Monday morning she Tweeted this:
grants grants grant… where are you??????? i am dedicating the day to online research.. starting… right…NOW!
She was excited. I went off to work at the office we used to share before she moved to pursue a photography opportunity.
At work I discovered the person who replaced her was out on an extended leave and we desperately needed help with our database. We discussed hiring my friend to work remotely and were going to call her. I knew, at that very moment, she was excitedly researching her dream. I knew she’d be interrupted by an administrative job and loose her stride toward her dream.
So often we shove aside the pursuit of our passions to take care of our responsibilities and pay the rent. We don’t give our best effort to improving our lives.
Last week I read How To Focus On What Truly Matters by Sid Savara, a guest on Zen Habits. His suggestions were fresh on my mind as thought about the possibilities for my friend.
Sid Savara writes about doing what excites us, “what gets our heart pumping, and what gets us excited to jump out of bed in the morning.”
But my problem has always been taking care of everything for others rather than doing what I want to do. In fact, I often feel guilty about spending time on the projects I enjoy. But after reading this passage, I’ve changed my priorities.
Do it first. In Zen To Done Leo suggests picking your 3 Most Important Tasks (MITs) and doing them first thing in the morning. Similarly, once you find what truly matters, try to take care of it first before spending time on tasks that matter less to you. … I work on my personal goals first thing in the morning, before I do anything else. This way every day begins positively and in line with my future.
Too often I’ll shove my enthusiasm aside and do what I believe is required of me. I’ll answer all those emails for my volunteer duties and prepare for meetings then loose my spirit for the task I really wanted to do. Not anymore. I planned an entire event with the small amount of time available after I did what I wanted to do. I let it slide. In the end, it was fine.
So, make time for what excites you first. Don’t waste it on all the filler.
 Lately I can’t help but think about all the marketers and salespeople who have rushed into the social networking sites to further their businesses and clients. People who wanted nothing to do with Twitter or Facebook for friendship jumped on board when they thought they could further their careers. Branding experts that have been producing junk mail are now jumping on the social media bandwagon. I can’t help but look ahead to how consumers will reject all their efforts as they have with every other form of communication.
- Once upon a time, people wrote long letters and sent cards through the U.S. Mail then the junk mail started. Consumers can register to restrict solicitations. Thank goodness for recycling and my paper shredder. I don’t even have to open unsolicited mail.
- People used phones to call family and friends and then the dreaded telemarketers started calling, so consumers demanded services to stop them. You can add your number to the “no call” database, block unclaimed numbers from ringing, and screen with caller id. Phone calls for sales can be stopped.
- Television started with sponsors then ads. Once we could record and fast forward through the ads we stopped watching them. People can pay for noncommercial, premium stations and not have to deal with advertisements at all. Same thing happened with subscription radio. Who listens to ads anymore?
- As for email, the spam never stops but the programmers do a good job of providing software so you never have to see all those junk transmissions.
Now we deal with the social media. We have the three f’s: fan, friend, follow. Thank goodness you must opt in.
Out of curiosity, I follow some businesses and nonprofits to observe their techniques. After a while I either hide or unfollow them. I’d rather spend my time with family and friends than read about products, issues, or organizations even if they are important to me. When I find that I glaze over their updates, I remove them and save myself the effort. My real friends are more important. I ignore the daily chatter.
If I want to know something, I’ll research it. That’s where Bing, Facebook Connect, Addictomatic and all the other search methods will rule. I want what I want, when I want it. When coupled with a trusted friend’s recommendation, this will be all I use.
If you’re providing content for social media, make sure your information can be found in as many places as possible. But remember, success is in the search.
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About BNeg and Cynthia Cotte Griffiths I can't seem to stop doing nonprofit development and communications work especially planning special events. Along the way I discovered a love for blogging. I've improved every nonprofit I touch and spend my free time volunteering to try and make lives better in our community.
Please share your thoughts here. It always means a lot to me!
Drop me a line:
Cindy@CynthiaCotteGriffiths.com
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